Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- Mae West
I love this antler/flower picture that I found on Pinterest. In a strange way, it reminds me of marriage. Where you take two totally opposite people and try to meld them together to become one.
My darling husband and I will be celebrating our 9th year of marriage soon, which sounds like a super long time when I type it out. We've been through a lot together in our 9 years... a lot (but who hasn't though... right?). We have overcome some pretty terrific obstacles, gone on great adventures together, and seen each other at our best and absolute worst.
We are also very, very different people. Somewhere down the road of our marriage I started to change. I started not wanting to try and compromise over everything and so I got used to saying, "Whatever you want to do honey." Which is a very great thing to say really. But I noticed when I was trying to piece my life back together after cancer that I really didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost a piece of myself along the line somewhere and was trying to figure out how to get that back. Who was I? Other than {husband's name}'s wife? What did I like to do? What was I passionate about? I was pretty lost on those questions.
There is lots of compromise that happens in a marriage, but one that I did that I really regret doing was compromising myself... Now, just for the record this was something that I did entirely on my own. I have a very loving and sweet husband who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He would do anything in the world for me and our son and I love him to pieces. But I started to push my own desires and wishes aside to do or be whatever I "thought" he wanted me to be.
Until one day I had a realization. HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME!!! He didn't fall in love with who I thought he wanted me to be. He fell in love with me. Part of my problem may also be that the "me" he fell in love with was 19 years old. At that point in my life I had not much experience past highschool, I had not gone through anything horribly terrific in life that had really molded and shaped my soul yet. While I'm so grateful to have met my husband and gotten married then, I realize now that I still had a lot of growing up to do. And instead of doing that growing up on my own, I've done it as a married girl with a husband by my side. A lot has happened since then, and we've both changed an adapted in our lives.
But I know now that I don't want to be anyone other than myself, because I don't seem to do that very well. And I really missed doing the things that I was really passionate about because it was like I had buried my soul in the closet because "it really wasn't that important." Come to find out it was vitally important to my happiness, and I'm now trying to dust off the cobwebs and try them on again... and it feels really good.
Something that I've been paying a lot of attention to lately are couples who are very strong individuals but also have a beautiful relationship with each other. Couples who are very different yet they respect their partners and let them be who they are.
So my question is, what do you do to maintain your individuality in your marriage or relationship? And how do you let your spouse maintain theirs?
And just for the record... I'm planning on rummaging through my brother in law's unused antler collection (yes... he has one) and recreating this display at the top. I'm thinking of making the flowers out of clay and then painting them. I'll post it up when I'm finished!
So my question is, what do you do to maintain your individuality in your marriage or relationship? And how do you let your spouse maintain theirs?
And just for the record... I'm planning on rummaging through my brother in law's unused antler collection (yes... he has one) and recreating this display at the top. I'm thinking of making the flowers out of clay and then painting them. I'll post it up when I'm finished!
I LOVE this post, Meg! Since I was married a few months before you also at age 19, I would have been married 9 years this past August had we stayed married. LOL. I often think about how different I am now than I was back then. I have always attributed the changes to going through a divorce and being on my own. I have never thought about the fact that you change whether you stay married or not and how difficult that might be to do while being married. I felt like I had finally fallen in to who I wanted to be when I met Ryan 2 1/2 years ago and that he would have to accept me for me because I wasn't changing. After reading this post, I realize that I will probably continue to change and 10 years from now I will look back at who I was at age 28 and see how different I've become. To answer your question, I think the best way to maintain your individuality in your marriage is to be who you are and let your spouse be who they are. Now, of course, with this comes a lot of compromising. We can't just be a snot because that's "who we are", but we can be ourselves while still making the marriage work. For example, Ryan and I spend the majority of our time together and with our girls. But he likes to golf and play cards and I like to go to bunco and chick flicks. Sometimes I'll golf with him and sometimes he'll go to chick flicks with me. Otherwise, we have friends that we do these things with. This keeps our individuality while still maintaining a good marriage. I think he and I both choose our battles as well. There are certain things he does that get under my skin, but I try to look past them and only bring up issues that I feel are valid and important. You and Trent are great, and I'm so glad you're you. I loved spending so much time with you when we were 18 and 19. All of my fondest college memories include you. It was funny because when we went to dinner a few months ago, I couldn't believe how much we both had changed. But it's a good thing. We've grown up! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing that we do to help maintain our individuality in our marriage is to foster separate hobbies. There are lots of things that we love to do together, and when we were first married we (I) thought that we should be doing EVERYTHING together - that's what being married is all about, right? ;) But I was wrong. It led to some nasty fights and horribly hurt feelings, and I'm glad we saw sense and have figured things out since then, haha. So we make sure that we have things we like to do, just by ourselves. Even though they are things that we do individually, we are loving and supportive of each other's hobbies (for instance, I listen to John when he gets excited about a new bike part and attend when he competes in a race or ride, and he always gets excited for me when I'm published or make a new creation that I love). Having separate hobbies has helped us foster our individuality, but conversely, when we have spent too much time doing things by ourselves we run into problems too. It's finding the balance between being yourself and being married that is sometimes tricky. We make sure that we spend time doing something together often; something that we both enjoy doing, not just one of us. And so far it's working well. In February we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary as well, and while we have both grown and changed a lot, we have grown and changed together, and are more in love now than we have ever been before. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is kind of weird I feel like I have changed so much yet I am not sure at the same time what exactly distinguishes me anymore. What use to define me was hunting and fishing and camping when I lived at home in Idaho during high school. Then when I was in Hawaii I use to road bike and run a lot, now in life I am just trying to keep myself afloat, house in livable condition and healthy meals all while not going crazy with work. There are so many hobbies that I have/had that I want to pursue but just don't have the time in our current situation for "everything." Paul tells me to pick a couple and do them. My problem is trying to just pick a few and being passionate. I am kind of mediocre in everything these days. But just thinking out load I think what defines us is what rings true always. Maybe it's easier if I define Paul hahah. He is always so caring and just wants to help those around him on top of always having a positive attitude no matter our situation or endevers in the past 6 years. I think what has remained consistent with me from high school, to college, to married to career woman to with kids is being active. I will enjoy going on bike rides with Kei or hikes with her. Still trying to get my lazy butt in a consistent exercise routine. I guess for me well at least for my current situation I still am the same person pursing the same interests just in different forms.
ReplyDeleteMegan! I never comment on people's blogs anymore, but I read this post and I can't resist. I think a good way to keep your individuality in a marriage while keeping a strong marriage at the same time all revolves around goals. I think that every couple needs to have goals that they are working on together as well as goals that they work on as individuals. When I set a goal for myself and accomplish it, I feel a sense of individuality because it is something I have done for myself and to improve myself which ultimately improves a marriage. For example, I always try to set goals about running races like half marathons, etc. and I feel like that is something just for me. However I do think its important to have goals you work on as a couple so that you keep a strong marriage all the while you further develop yourself and your sense of individuality. I hope this makes sense! I love ya Meg and I think about you often!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are awesome! Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions. I love you friends!
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